Today was crazy. We went to class in the morning, and afterwards me, Joanna, and Geneva went to Wanda Plaza to hang out because we were supposed to meet Katie there at 2. So, we ate lunch there at a bakery, and I bought some clothes from H&M, and then we hung out at WalMart for a while. Hahah, WalMart is our hang out spot. We bought some fruit and other snacks, and then we went over to Starbucks, where we were supposed to meet Katie.
When Katie got there, we had a bs right in Starbucks, which is illegal btw. I was kinda nervous because we were talking loud enough for people to hear what we were talking about, and we kept saying the G word, so I was worried someone would come over and arrest us. HAH. That was silly though. No one cared, and we had our bs in peace. Today we talked about the elder son of the parable of the prodigal son, the one who feels his is obedient to the father but is completely resentful when the lost son comes home and the father holds a celebration in his honor. It was really good again, and I learned a lot again. In the story it seems like both sons just want property & money from the father, not really a relationship or love from him. It was definitely a good reminder of how often we feel this sense of entitlement, like “G, you owe me this because I did this for you” and that can be so dangerous because out of this feeling of entitlement, we fall into so much sin like: anger for not getting what we think we deserve, judging others (like how the elder brother judges the younger brother’s worthiness of the father’s love), feelings of self righteousness (the elder brother thinks he’s better and more deserving than the younger brother), obeying because of duty not passion (the elder brother works to get his father’s property, not out of love for the father), refusal to celebrate with the father (the elder son doesn’t find the compassion or grace on his younger brother, and refuses to celebrate his repentance), and jealousy. I think so many, too many, of those apply to me. There are so many times when I have such a works-based mindset that I feel like I DESERVE praise or reward for my works. And when I don’t get it, that just leads me into a downward spiral of anger, jealousy, self righteousness, and resentment. It’s really hard for me to get around that mentality though. That’s probably one of the things I struggle with most, because I always feel like works have to amount to SOMETHING. They can’t just be NOTHING. I mean, I KNOW they don’t because of Isaiah 64:6 (“All our righteous acts are like filthy rags”), but it’s another thing to believe it. It’s kind of silly…knowing something is true, but not believing it. Well, I guess I believe it, but it’s hard to live it out? I don’t even know how to articulate it…does that even make sense?
Another thing I’ve really been struggling with is being RAW and true with G. I’ve been talking to one of my friends from the cultural exchange program who left last month. We’ve just been talking on Facebook, but it’s been super good because I’ve been able to talk to him about a lot of stuff, specifically spiritual things because he asked me how things were going and how I was doing spiritually. Talking to him made me realize that my problem is that I don’t fully process things and take the time to think about them…so when I was responding to his questions, as I was typing them out, I realized that I had so much stuff to think about and process through. So then, my thoughts just all came out in a jumble because I had so many, and it was completely disorganized and hard to follow (sort of like my blog entries), so I said to him, “Okay, bear with me, because these are all my thoughts completely RAW.” And when he responded back to me, he said that’s interesting, and I’m glad you shared them with me, but you should be this raw and completely unprocessed with G. And then it hit me: why didn’t I think of that?? Whenever I talk to G, I try to make things nice and neat and organized, so that it’s not messy when I talk to him. But that’s so silly, because he already knows all my thoughts anyways, and he knows that I’m trying to make them all neat and organized for him. And when I make things neat and organized, I exclude a lot of the stuff that is messy and that I haven’t processed, so I don’t tell him the REAL things I’m thinking or the things that are actually bothering me, because I don’t know how to word them or what to say. So why am I trying to keep things organized when I talk to him? It’s actually more BENEFICIAL if I’m messy and screwed up when I come to him, because he can do a much better job of organizing it and cleaning it up for me than I could ever think of. He can solve my problems for me, and help me work through my feelings so that I understand him and myself better through it. Silly me, trying to take control of even the feelings and thoughts I present to G. It’s kind of amusing, if you think about what G is thinking as he watches us try to take control of our own lives. He’s probably like, “Man, that Kortney is so silly. She won’t tell me that she’s angry, but I know anyways.” Or, “Haha, she thinks she’s going to become a psychologist! Wait til she finds out what I have planned for her!” HAHAHA, that’s actually really funny. Just think about what he thinks about us as he watches us live our lives. Like, it must be like The Truman Show or something. Everything’s planned out, and he knows what’s going to come next, and then we’re just these innocent unsuspecting little people. Except it’s on a greater scale, because he knows our thoughts and feelings too. So it’s like the Truman Show, except even funnier, because we think we’re keeping stuff from him by keeping our thoughts and feelings concealed, but he knows our every thought. He even hears our thoughts when we can think of nothing else but the booger inside our nose that is bothering the crap out of us, but we can’t pick it because we’re in public. He must think we’re so silly. Anyways, I forgot where I was going with this. I think I just wanted to remind myself that G knows our every thought and feeling, so why do I keep trying to make it all pretty & perfect before I present it to him?
PSShhhhh, that was long. AFTER bs, I got my hair CUT…in CHINA! Lol we went to with Katie and Katie’s friend (who speaks Chinese and could specify EXACTLY what I wanted) to the hair salon, and I got my hair cut, washed, and blow dried for 48 yuan ($7). CRAZY huh?? I know, it was amazing. It was actually really good, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. I was a little scared at first because I thought I’d come out looking like a Chinese pop star with bangs about half an inch long and bleached hair, and I was also nervous because the hair CUTTERS were ALL guys. There were women there that washed our hair, but when it came time to cut it, everyone that was cutting hair was a guy. That freaked me out a little. I’ve never had my hair cut by a guy before. Anyways, I had him make it short in the back and long in the front, and he started cutting the back REALLY short so I got SUPER scared. But it ended up looking really good all together, so I’m quite happy with it.
After that, we went back to Wanda and me, Geneva, and Joanna got some dinner, then walked back to the hotel. I’m SO glad today is Friday…Fridays are goooood. We totally just rest and have fun on Fridays, so no studying at all! Man, this is our last weekend here…exactly a week from right now, I’ll be on a plane home! This is crazy! Me and Joanna are just starting to realize how much we have to do before we go home though. Mostly we have to say goodbye to people, because we made a lot of new friends here. I also want to buy some last minute things, but I’m starting to worry that I won’t have room enough to pack it all. When my mom came, I had her take a lot of things back for me, but I STILL may not have enough room. I bought a lot of souvenirs, and TOO MANY pairs of shoes! Shoot…I shouldn’t have bought so many shoes. But they were so cheap! Man. Maybe I’ll just buy another luggage.
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