today was a longgg day. I’m exhausted again, but that’s also due to the fact that I’m jetlagged. Lets see..to begin the day, we went to a restaurant down the street and just had a logistical orientation and introduction of everyone. It was a long lunch/brunch/meal, and it lasted til about noon. We got a 30 min break after, and then we went to a church created specifically for travelers and foreigners called Shanghai College Fellowship. The church was really nice…located in the French concession. It was a pretty amazing church…I loved the worship, and the message spoke directly to me. It was crazy…the pastor was talking about how a lot of us were broken or hurt or stuck in sin and we needed to let go of it and allow the Holy Spirit to heal us. I’ve been struggling a lot with an issue of forgiveness, and I’ve held it in for a while now. The pastor’s message spoke directly to me and I really felt God working in me. At the end of the service the pastor asked everyone who felt moved to come up to the front so the prayer team could pray for us. I went up to the front and I’m really glad…I definitely feel a lot better and feel like a little of my burden has been lifted.
After SCF, we had dinner with American professionals who were born in the US but have moved to Shanghai for work or because God has moved them to. At this point, I started to feel really tired because of the jetlag, so I have to admit I was really bored and not very engaged….but the professionals understood this because they’d been on PESI trips in college too, so they had pity for us and didn’t mind that I wasn’t fully there mentally. But the food was delicious J
After that dinner, we went straight to Jing Mao Tower. The view was pretty amazing…Shanghai was completely lit up and beautiful against the dark sky. I took a few pictures..but was still pretty exhausted so I couldn’t fully appreciate it.
Today was a pretty cool day…at times I find myself wondering what I’m doing here though. I’m really scared because although this program accepts students of all faiths and religions, everyone here indicated that they were Christian. So, I feel like our program and our group is really faith-oriented. It’s not a bad thing...that’s just not what I was looking for. I am definitely not in tune with God right now, with my religion, and it’s making it really hard for me to talk to the students and relate to them. I feel like I’m putting on a front that I’m a great Christian who is on track with God, but I definitely don’t feel that way. And that’s why I’m wondering what I’m doing here. At the restaurant this morning, everyone shared what their goals were for this trip. EVERYONE mentioned something about seeing how God is working in China. I don’t know what I’m here for…I thought I was here solely for a study abroad program, with a little service project mixed in. But as it turns out, God might have something else in store for me. I’m definitely out of my comfort zone right now…all the other students are so religious but I don’t feel that way. I feel like an outsider, because I’m being a complete fake about my religion right now. I don’t know if God meant for it to be this way, but I don’t feel comfortable and I constantly find myself longing to go home. But then, I think, what would I be doing if I go home? I’d be back in my comfort zone and living a life probably not pleasing to God. I wouldn’t be making any efforts to seek Him or answer my questions about Him at all. So maybe it’s better that I’m here? I’m surrounded by a group of people who seem so sure of their faith and God that maybe their influence will be good for me. Maybe it can help me answer my questions. Maybe God wants me out of my comfort zone so that I will seek Him for comfort. I’m not sure, but I definitely hope I figure it out soon because I’m not enjoying myself as of right now…like I said before, I feel alone and sometimes I feel like crying because I’m so confused inside.
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